i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
