its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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