you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
