It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
