sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
