I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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