Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
