i think my tv is drunk
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
