I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
