i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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