so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
