My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
