i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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