Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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