Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
