So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
