If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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