just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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