so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
