Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
