i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
