3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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