he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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