we'll go far in life on tits alone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
