You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
