I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
