I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
