i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
