Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
