i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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