mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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