Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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