It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
