I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
