i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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