i need an iv and a liver transplant
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
