Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize