Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
