Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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