Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
