what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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