just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am available for nakedness
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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