Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
