It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
