Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
