You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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