well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize