I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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