I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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