When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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