I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
