i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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