you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
