worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
