it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
