i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
