i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
