i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
