i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
