I faked an abortion last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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