here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
