our cab driver is having phone sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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