I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
