You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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