I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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